Saturday, August 18, 2012

Stupid Things People (Always) Say to Personal Trainers

It's 2012 and we've the largest amount of research and greatest access to fitness information than ever before. Still, there are so many people who just don't get it. Here are a few nuggets regarding what people say every minute, every day, and every hour to personal trainers (that drives them nuts), as well as what the personal trainer thinks but never says about it:

Personal Trainer (PT): "What are your target areas?"

Client (CL): "Stomach, thighs, and maybe the back of the arms" (she says as the trainer acts like those are different areas they every single person he EVER works with).

What a shocker. 


PT: "What are your goals?" (the trainer again pretends to be interested although almost everyone, especially female, has the same goals).

CL: "I'd like to tone and maybe lose a little weight."

PT: "I see." What a shocker. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.


CL: "These weights are heeeavy! I don't want to get bulky!"

PT: "Oh don't worry, you won't. You still need to push yourself to get that tone and definition, but bulking is a different way to train. Besides, females aren't really designed for that." Shut your ass up. I hear that all day long. Just do what I say. It's only a 5 lb. weight for God's sake.


CL: "I'm so sorry I missed my session today. I was [insert valid excuse here]."

PT: "I understand. It's just that [insert speech about priorities and consistency here and how it's just courtesy not to just no-show your appointments]." Lady, I don't give a shit. I'm not your babysitter, nor am I a teacher grading your high-school paper. You don't get graded for this. This is YOUR health. Either you want it or you don't. Personally, I don't give a shit. This is a job for me.


CL: "Is that bad?" (the client asks after fitness assessment and body-fat percentage is taken).

PT: "Well, you're good at some things and we need to work on others. A good goal for you would be [insert goal here]. Holy shit! That sucks ass. You're a fat little Oompa Loompa, aren't you? Damn lady, have some self-respect and a shred of self-control!


CL: "Where's the machine that helps you lose weight? I really want to lose the fat around my stomach. What's a good ab exercise for that?"

PT: "Well there's no single machine that will really do that...or for your abs. You can't really spot reduce. It's really all about good diet and exercise overall...and doing the right things." Oh shit. I don't know where to begin. I should just point to a random machine like the lat pull-down and tell her that's the one. I haven't the energy for this. Here's a solution: eat less.


CL: "I just weighed myself and I gained two pounds. Clearly, it's your fault."

PT: "Well, let's troubleshoot this. What's your diet been like? Tell me what you've done this week." Shit lady, do I have to hold your hand? I have no idea why you gained two pounds. But it might help if you actually do what I say. Walking by a gym doesn't help; you've got to go in. Two boxes of cookies last night didn't help. If you so start pointing fingers so help me...


CL: "I've heard that if I just want to tone I should do higher reps and lighter weight..."

PT: "Well..." Why bother... 

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